Gut-wrenchingly honest

Last night, I had a dear, dear friend call me with some really strange news. It doesn't matter and it shouldn't hurt me but it did. I was stunned and shocked and every one of my other friends were too. The comments I heard regarding this news break were HILARIOUS and good-intentioned and out of love for me from so many people who have walked through this year and my life with me.  And somehow in the midst of it, I begin agreeing with them, yea I deserve this and that and the other because of this. And this morning I was on my computer at work and I saw this....

 BAM. sucker punch to the gut. "that we may find mercy and grace in time of need." I don't deserve this or that, I don't need to turn to this or that because I am hurting, because I am angry, because I am BROKEN.  I have been "in time of need" this year. I have been so broken and so hurting and have turned to beautiful people I get the privilege of calling my friends. Sometimes I was so broken and so hurting that I didn't know how to go the the throne room of grace anymore.  I tried, but sometimes it was so much easier to turn to people, to cling to them. I am unbelievably blessed with many strong ladies and men in my life that were faithful friends and held me through all of this.  But Jesus wanted to hold me. I just didn't understand how to be held by my Master anymore. Not through this. I was just so angry.  But this whole year I have begged and pleaded with God, to feel his nearness in this time of death, this time of broken hearts, this time of unanswered questions, this time of gut-wrenching honesty, this time of unfathomable anger.  In TN, one night in the back row of a worship service, I sobbed and sobbed till there were no tears left in my tear ducts. When I couldn't sing "You are good" anymore, I laid before an Almighty God full of compassion and cried out "why didn't you save this person from death?" "Why did I have to go to that funeral. It was too early." "Why did you take this person from me." "Were were you in this brokenness?" "Where is the healing in that situation that no one else understands?" "Where have you been this year." This wasn't the first time this year I had just laid and cried before the Lord, begging for the rescue.  And it wasn't the last. But something begin to shift. On the way back, I was just jammin out on the 11 hour trip home and just again begin praying through things, and for just a moment, felt a glimpse of the Holiness and Nearness of My God. And when my reaction to something so small means so much more and God is the only One who knows every reason why, I come across that verse.  I beg and pray and hope and plead that Jesus will continue to break down these walls that have been fortified and grown times a billion through the brokenness of this year. Here's to healing.

"From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
She is strong enough to stand in your love
I can hear her say....
I am weak
I am poor
I am broken, Lord
But I'm yours
Hold me now, hold me now" - Jennifer Knapp, Hold Me Now

"And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to"-Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

"I've fallen so hard..
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah" -Bethany Dillon, Hallelujah

Be Healed. Go forth and live, ya'll.
xoxo Lydia