Plays well with sinners

"Her spiritual poverty enables her to enter the world of the other, even when she cannot identify with that world-e.g. The drug culture, the gay world. The poor in spirit are the most nonjudgmental of peoples; they get along well with sinners. "

How often church people miss this. In the small town and mega churches, redemptive grace wrought from bloody Hands is traded in for judgmental stares and "bless her heart"s that scream from the pews "you're not good enough." sinners who have forgotten they too are saved by grace look at the unwed mother and the gay friend and say "your sin is far too great. Christ's death couldn't possibly cover THAT. " so with rules and prejudices and judgmental looks and the horrific gossip, the churches and private universities and "Christian" organizations turn away people whose hearts are so broken and ready to love Christ.

And Christ comes in.

He comes in and says something along the line of "whoever hasn't sinned? You cast the first stone."

And the high and mighty head masters and heads of denominational conventions, the arrogant and self righteous prick of a pastor, the head of the deacons. They must set down their stones one by one. Because Jesus said so. In the story with the Harlot and with the Blood dripping down the rugged wood of the cross.

He says, You are WANTED.
You and your gay partner, I WANT YOU.
You with the beer breath and hang over. I WANT YOU.
You with the dark secrets and feelings of worthlessness. I WANT YOU FOREVER.

He stands there, with arms wide open. Loving the judgemental churchy people all the while. Longing for them to be His heart and arms to the sinners, to the world. But stepping in to love and save both.

Saving the self righteous and wayward alike.

Let us love.
Go forth and love.
Lyd <><

skin.

It's unforgiving. It won't and doesn't hide the fat or the muscles underneath.  Whatever is there, physically, skin cannot hide it. You can tan it, but it won't tone it. It's there, covering us, protecting our skeletons, revealing every physical flaw we have. And with it's physical transparency, it hides our souls.  The deepest and brightest joys perhaps providing the skin with some sort of joyful glow, the wretched and hidden soul-wounds perhaps causing it to have ill pallor. It it so easily reveals our physical imperfections, transparent to a fault. But when it comes to our souls, our hearts, our will to fight, it gives no clue and no cue to the common beholder an bystander. Incredible how something so transparent can be the see-through blanket we hide our souls behind.

Go forth and live y'all!
Xoxo lyd

through smoke

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"When the answers and the truth have cut their ties

Will you still find me

Will you still me through smoke

I'm lost in a place that I thought I knew,

Give me some way that I might find you..." -Needtobreathe, "Through Smoke"

Immeasurable are the precious hearts have such a hard time reconciling the fact that their is a God with the fact that He allows horrible things happen to sweet souls. He let's a sister's heart get broken. He chooses not to heal a sick and weary body. He allows horrible things to happen at what should be the safest place for kids to encounter the radical Gospel of Jesus. He let's a best friend experience rape. He does not intervene when thousands pray for rescue.  He allows there to be over 3 million Ethiopian orphans.  He let's a dear friend get cancer. And then another, another, and another. Person after person. Stage four they say.  

He sits, seeming to be totally silent.

Of course, the Holy Scriptures tell us he does not cause these things.

But He is all powerful, all knowing...and all loving?

And He allows these things?

How Jesus?

Not that person. Please Jesus, not that best friend. Where were you? In that dark room with helpless cries, where were you? In the midst of thousands of tearful prayers begging for another soul's healing, Where were you Jesus? 

One of the most freeing and healing things someone shared with me is that God can handle my anger. It is arrogant and prideful for me to think He can't.

I was raised to not swear, to not smoke, to treat others with kindness and to walk in integrity, even when push came to shove. Overall, I was raised to believe in Jesus, to have morals.  I almost lost this belief. Came pretty damn near close. Through tragedy and darkness and that seeming total silence on His end, I had no evidence to believe He was loving, that He gave a rip about cancer ridden believers or rape victims or orphans.

But I wasn't just raised to do the right thing, to not wear my dresses too short or get drunk in public...I met Jesus.  When I was four years old, in Purdy, Missouri, I fell in love with Jesus. 

And even through that anger, through waves of grief that still roll in like the tide of the ocean, I can't get away from Jesus. I can't stop going back, even through the anger and wanting to say Why in the hell are you allowing these things to happen? I know He is the answer. I know He is the Way and the Truth and the Life. I know no one can get to Heaven without the Redemption of Jesus. I have experienced that grace. I know it full well. I know it in my daily walk when I stumble and flail trying to live by the morals I was taught from birth. With my best white-knuckled, moral intentions, trying...and failing.

And Jesus shows up. In the midst of that. In the midst of striving and failing. He sits, He sits, He sits. 
Not giving me any answers, mind you. But staying, faithfully, being the Sovereign and loving and all-merciful Redeemer that He is. He stays and sits.  Silent except for the overwhelming, continuous,

"I love you."
 No Jesus, not that person, not that cancer. Jesus, please.
"I love you Lydia."
Jesus where were you? In that dark and relentless season..Where was the rescue?
"I formed you, I know you. I love you Lydia."

Mercy steps in. He sits, He dines with us and waits in the silence with us. 

 I don't have the answers. He may choose to not physically heal. He may allow rape and famine and orphans, the precious orphans. And I may never hear the answer on these things from Him. I may strive all my life and beg Him to fix them.  But I love Him, I know Him. I cannot choose any other path because I already know the truth and have experienced redemptive Grace. 

It's this motive, this weird and scandalous faith let's me say in the midst of these things, "You are God alone." That let's me echo the words of John Mark McMillan and yell towards heaven, "Harbor me in the eye of the storm, I'm holding on to the Love You swore,"  and that let's me believe in and buy into the idea of Hosanna.

Hosanna is a really cool word in the fact that it is both a declaration of Praise to the Lord and a cry for mercy, almost saying "Jesus, save us."

Hosanna y'all. Go forth and live.
Lyd

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you

we went perfectly together, back then. I mean, honestly, perfectly, didn't we? I learned to love your lies and you continued to tell them. You wove this web, and weren't reliable and I learned to deal with it. I learned to cope and let it become a part of me, of who I was. Sure, you've grown...remarkable amounts even. You were never there and yet you always were. In clutch situations, you were nowhere to be found, and yet..you are in every memory I have. You are fully you, and yet I wish you weren't. I can't wish you away, because I have let you become apart of the grain of my soul. I owe you everything, and yet forgive you continuously. It balances out, doesn't it? You told jokes, and laughed at the world with its problems, and I learned to laugh along side you. I lost myself in you, and I'm not mad about it. I found my voice and my will through your undying passion. You are unlike any person I know, any person I will ever know, you will never bend or waver in who you are. And I love you hopelessly, relentlessly for it.

xoxo Lyd

dear orphan

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Dear Orphan,
I cannot explain why, but you have been heavily on my heart lately. I can't escape it, I can't escape you.  I have always felt some draw towards you, some connection, even. Maybe it is because I have a naturally very empathetic and highly sensitive heart. But truly, it has to be more than that. It is the fact that Jesus loves you, and He promises He will be with you. He says that pure religion is to look after you in your distress.

Upwards of 4.6 million orphans live in Ethiopia. 4.6 MILLION. In Ethiopia alone.

I live a very average American life. I have a job, I go to school, I drive a car, and I eat hamburgers. And you are over there. Without food, without parents, without clean water more often then not. And I so regularly forget to count my blessings, to serve others, I sometimes waste paper and food and even water. I hate our differences. I hate that you don't have what I have. I have always wanted to adopt, I have no idea why. From an early age, I have pictured myself adopting kiddos like yourself. But I haven't lived with that in mind. I am a 20-something Dallas girl moving apartments, and deciding what to do with my career. And so much of that is just garbage. I believe the suburbs and the city need Jesus too and I am more than willing to serve and to love and to live there, but I don't want to forget about you. I don't want to let a passion birthed in me at a young age to die to the American dream. I want to buy- in wholeheartedly to what Jesus believes about you. That you are to be prized and cherished and rescued and prayed for.  I will pray for you. I will live with a reverence and honor for you. I will seek more opportunities to serve you. In the states, in your country, through adoption someday. Jesus, make us aware of your orphans. Make us less greedy and less selfish and grant us overwhelming compassion and break our hearts for your little ones. Grant us resources and opportunities and arenas to help them, all for your namesake. Jesus, rescue your orphans. 

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Go forth and LIVE.
Lyd.

birthday moments

I LOVE birthdays. I really like celebrating other's birthdays, but I LOVE celebrating my own. Call me selfish, call me crazy, but it is what is is.

And seeing how everything in life is a competition, I have put together a list of winners of people who participated (or didn't) in my day of birth. For your creativity, you are featured on my high-traffic blog that is visited mostly, if not exclusively, by family members. You're welcome, world.

Birthday tweet that also honored TX: 

6 Mar Beckett Ammons ‏ @Becks07

Happy 22nd Birthday to @lydia_marie10, the only other girl that loves Texas as much as I do. Love you "Claudia". 

9:40 AM - 6 Mar 12 via TwitBird · Details

Birthday Tweet that showed off her new Laredo lingo and was also really thoughtful:

6 Mar Katee Haile ‏ @kateehaile

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SEESTER @lydia_marie10! Have the greatest day! You deserve it! Love you and miss you mucho!

Direct and HAWT bday text:
From good ol Ben, "Happy birthday, hottie."

Birthday txt using my correct name:
From KK- "HAPPY BDAY JOSA"

Birthday txt from KK's Fiance that referenced my Biblical name twin:
"Happy birthday gentile."

Worst birthday buzzkill:

having a Stats test that morning

Most awkward thing about my day of birth:

Not one of my roomates said happy birthday. Not.One.Word.  It's deadly to tell someone happy birthday these days, ya'll.

Sweetest Lunch Surprise that included BBQ
Hannah. Sweet nan planned a little get together with some of my favorites. She is very thoughtful, and was the reason my day turned around! thanks, friend!

Most practical and thoughtful gift:

Shoes for my spring break trip from my mom

Texas loving gift shoutouts to Kristin and Clara (they both win)

For putting up with my crying/laughing/whining/talking about my birthday for the past three months

EVERYONE. 

As one may be able to conclude from the pic full of babes, my pals and I had a wild meal to celebrate me. I cried and told them how much I love them. I'm a sap. A freekin sap.

Love all of you! Thank you for making this birthday so marvelous!

 Go forth and LIVE! and pray you never have to be a part of one of my birthday's...bc you will hear about it for MONTHS. and I won't apologize about it.

xoxo Lyd

p.s. something funny? almost the same group and the exact same restaurant as last year..hey, I know what I like. 

 

TN

well ya'll, TN was a BLAST, not that I'm surprised in the least. I got to hang with K10 and the kiddos (Carson, Cutter, and Crew) tons and spent the whole weekend with the most marvelous girls! (you may remember these peeps) I LOVE Long Hollow Church. I LOVE the Sisk's. I LOVE Hendersonville. That place just feels like home. That town holds so much peace, and the most loving people on the planet. K10 is maybe the best host, ever. And shoutout to the Ritchason's- I love yall! They are also the best hosts, ever.

go forth and live!!
xoxo Lyd

sometimes, people lie. and sometimes, people lie and get away with it. people hurt people, marring them beyond recognition, changing them...and they go on to live their lives, not noticing or caring about the wake of destruction they left for everyone behind them.

hurt is a funny thing. The person doing the act of hurting seems to hold all the power. In a sense, they control the situation. People can only take so much hurt, you know.

The problem is, the continual hurt...the arrogance of the one who holds the hurting power..they carry that. They carry that weight everywhere...EVERYWHERE. It's a constant reminder that they, in fact, are small, and hurting people makes them feel like they carry a big stick. Like they have weight.

But the people who are hurt, marred, even...they get to sleep at night. Yes, they have to deal with the pain. But they get to lay their head down on their pillow at night, weight-free. They get to forgive, and be free, and LIVE. 

The person who does the act of hurting, they don't get that.

It's interesting who holds the power, really.

Go forth and live.
xoxo Lydia

to the ones who make the kids table fun

My sister and cousin graduate highschool this semester. I am so proud of them.  I grew up with two sisters and 3 cousins* that were all our same ages..which often felt like growing up with 5 sisters. imagine the fights and the fun! the horror of it all!
But back to the two graduating girls.
I love you both so much.

Wendy, in many times and in many ways you have been like a sister to me. you were a built-in play mate, secret keeper, and friend. I can't imagine life without you. You have such a sweet spirit about you. You always have. Your whole life has been marked with kindness. You are peace loving and eager to include everyone. You are faithful. Faithful to your family, faithful to your friends, and faithful to your beliefs. I am so proud of you and I look forward with excited anticipation at what is in store for you. Congratulations, Wendy Beth!

Joanna, what a sister you are. You have always had a hunger for the magic in life. When you were little, this meant nothing was off-limits. From the earliest age, you weren't scared of anything. Many times in my life, you have been the strong one. You have been the one who wasn't scared of the dark, or sickness, or the unknown. You jump in with both feet, fearlessly. It's breathtaking how you jump. So boldly, so confidently into things I spend years questioning. You are quick. Quick to love, quick to make decisions, quick to accept people and ideas. You defend your beliefs and your decisions with an intensity lawyers and politicians would kill for. You are one of the funniest people I know. The way you view life and people keeps us all amazed and usually, laughing.  I hope your years are filled with adventures, that you love well and make wise and bold decisions. I can't wait to see the roads you will walk in this life.

I hope you both choose the perfect school for you. {or whatever you choose to do in life} I hope you have wild nights and really lovely days. I pray that you make wonderful friends who will love you deeply and be bridesmaids in your weddings. They will never replace the incredible friends you have had the privledge to grow up with, and that is how it is supposed to be. But they will begin to fill this void in your life, a void you never knew you had. They will walk with you through trying to figure out the whole being-an-adult thing. They will share hurts and joys with you when family is far away. Remember their birthdays, meet their families, make sure they know how much you love them. 

Do your homework. Show kindness and respect to everyone you meet, you WILL meet some strange souls. Go to concerts with music you really love. Go dancing. Preferably not at da clurrrrb but texas-two steppin is just fine. Master dancing. Somehow that will serve you well one day. Go to the lake with friends, venture down to the beach, join a club. Find a church you love and believe in and serve with them. Work hard, at work, in school, and in life.

Date nice boys. If your dad doesn't like him, he's not worth it. If he's never been hunting or golfing or at least camping, I would think twice.  Don't beat yourself up when you realize the one you dated wasn't so nice. You didn't know, you just didn't know darlin.

When you are sick, remeber you will survive. (need I remind you of my food poisoning near-death experience in TN) When you are homesick, love on others. When you are stressed or bored or confused, get outside. Take a walk, go for a drive, run around a track.

Call you parents.  Tell them thank-you. Call your sisters and your grandparents and come home when you can. Don't feel guilty when you can't.

I hope you find yourself. Don't be scared to grow and change and become more you. Never forsake your roots, your family, your faith. Adventure, explore, and love. Love well. And be loved.

Go forth and LIVE, Wendy and Joanna!
xoxo Lyd








*disclaimer: this makes it sound like I only have 3 cousins total. I have lots more. I am just blogging about them on Feb 6.

people change

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I believe in people. I believe they can endure incredible heartache and overcome overwhelming obstacles and truly LIVE. I believe that they can dwell in hurt and ache that they created themselves, and choose to walk away from it.

This week, someone shared their view on people with me, saying, "People don't ever really change. They just don't." My heart broke for her. Yes, some people may choose to live in bitterness or hurt or sin or habits till the day they die. But not all do.

And as much as I believe in people, I believe in the kindness and goodness of my Savior even more than that. I believe in His grace and mercy. No matter what decisions a person makes, or what they walk through, they are not beyond recovery. How dare we ever say differently. So people, I believe in you. Jesus believes in You. You may not believe in Him but He gives you breath in your lungs and an option to choose to be better every day. No matter how deep in your alcoholism, or addiction, or depression you are...YOU ARE WORTH SAVING. I believe that to my core.

..."while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

I know many churches or schools or even broken people have told you that you must clean yourself up. you don't have to. you are intrinsically valuable. The people who condemn you are no better. Jesus was on board with this. A group of men once brought a woman before him who they had caught, quite literally in the act of adultery. He looked at them and said  “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” (From John 8:7)

We're all broken and hurting in our own ways. I'm sorry for people who have told you that you aren't worth it. Hang in there, you are fully capable of change. When you choose that, reach out. You would be shocked at the number of people willing to help you in any way possible.And if you're my people, I'm here for you. So many are here for you. And to those judging our hurting people, I know you are hurting someone deep down in that soul of yours. Stop worrying about others and get a grip on your own problems. Lay yourself and your sins before people and a God that loves you. And for the love, stop judging our hurting people.

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Go forth and LIVE!
xoxo Lyd

we're not home.

“Employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement, and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible.  Yet, I plod on.” -Brennan Manning


go forth and LIVE.
Lyd

Secret Keeper

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Memory Lane tricked me into traveling down its path this week. I found songs I had JAMMED out to in high school. This led me to two conclusions:

1. My taste in music has improved exponentially!

2. There are so many memories attached to those songs, those bands and artists and words are sacred. They hold memories that haven't seen daylight in half a decade. They know the late night adventures, the sweet secrets, and the drama drama.

Sometimes, things in life have a way of bringing back memories and feelings as if they were right there before us. Some of those things for me are 

driving with the windows down

salt water air

the lake

the sound of walkin on gravel

campfire smell

this band

hammock

Oh the memories of the past. Sweet and grave times. How incredibly beautiful and tragic this wonderful life is. 

go forth and LIVE.

<>< Lyd

 

in the present

Currently...
I am wishing I was doing this:

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I am reading this book:

I am listening to:

 

love me some Little Big Town.

 and love some NTB, as always.

I am beautifying with:

I am thankful for:

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Go forth and LIVE, ya'll!
xoxo Lyd

lovin you.

I so often speak of the people in my life, how much they are loved, how deeply I love them. I don't really know why I hold people so close. If I was taught this, or learned it at an early age, but forever, I have just loved people. I know everyone loves their friends and family and yadayadayada but I have this inexpressible, deep, unending love for people. It is the greatest blessing aside from salvation God has given me and also my biggest weakness. It leaves me wide open, and makes it unbelievably easy for people to hurt me. My closest of close friends, sweet and dear people, often gently laugh at how accidentally and unknowingly they hurt me. And so often, those not-so-close to me, and even those close to me don't know how deeply I hurt, how my soul aches, all because of how deeply I love them, how deeply I feel for their hurts and joys.  I am so thankful for this, for it has provided some of life's most wonderful blessings. But it has also provided some of life's deepest wounds. It's a catch-22, a no-win, a win-win, a paradox, it is opposites, and yet it is the best of equals. 

All this said, I love people. My life-long friends, my child-hood friends, my college friends, new friends, random people I have known all of two minutes. I just love them. I have an undying loyalty to my life-long friends, something so sacred and so sweet it can't be expressed.  I am quick to extend love to new friends. Do you see how wide-open this all leaves me?? How easily people can hurt me. Well-intentioned, good souls and horrible-intentioned, needy souls hurt me because of my reckless abandonment in loving people. And yet it is good.  This love hurts so good. I get to grieve because I have loved and found value. I get to be disappointed because I have  loved and have seen the best when it was the worst.

I have talked a great deal about what this love has meant in the grieving process. How I have learned about God's deep and precious love for me.  But aside from the death, there was more. In this past year, I was hurt relentlessly and selfishly by a person in my life. I loved, saw the best, prayed hard, believed against all odds, and showed grace and mercy when the absolute worst was deserved.  I was, at best, a doormat, stepping stone, a pawn to be used to this person.  Not the first time it happened, but one of the worst. And it hurt so bad because I loved  in spite of.  I got no reward. I was used by the person and misunderstood by some of the people I respected most.  I had to close the door and walk away.  I had to let everyone believe what they wanted to and be at peace with myself and my actions before the Lord. I am not perfect, I had by no means done every little action right, but I had tried.  Oh, how I had tried. 

Yea, it was wrong. But I was wrong too. I loved and loved and loved, but maybe I could have and should have been stronger and way, way wiser.  I am not Jesus. I can't be anyone's Savior.  See?  I WASN'T KIDDING WHEN I SAID GREATEST WEAKNESS. It's an incredibly ugly side to a wonderful gift. It is a great want to love and help people. But so often becomes a drive to save people and put myself in situations where no one can win. that's not fair to anyone.

And yet, He is faithful. And He is so merciful in allowing many loyal and gracious friends to stand by me. When I recklessly love and recklessly live, I can look in all directions and see the faithful people He has allowed to walk beside me. In the grieving, the waiting, the hoping, the joys and pains, they are there. Some since forever ago, some new, some in and out. But always, there.

And through all of that, He is always sufficient.

Go forth and LIVE.
xoxo Lyd