ya'll. What a year. when I say year, I mean from like last may to this may, not january to may- that'd be not a year. I feel like a got steamrolled and I've made it through and I can breathe now. Many of you know this year and have walked through this year with me. It has of course been filled with incredible laughter and rich times and adventure, but the underlying theme has just been this overwhelming brokenness. Through the death and broken hearts and sickness and silly decisions and the unknown- for a year I have waded through these murky waters. And in all honesty, there were times when it seemed I got really close to losing faith. For a little Texas girl who was raised in a southern baptist mega church this was scary but so, SO FREEING. In my brokenness and inadequacies guess what didn't help? keeping it together, looking perfect from the outside, never missing church, saying phrases like "God is still sovereign and faithful" with a big, fake smile on my face. And He is still sovereign and faithful, but I could fall apart and be imperfect and rest in this fact by being real with a Savior that loves me. And you know what I found at the end of a weary, dusty road? Not a big southern baptist church. Not my pretend perfection and big smile earning me brownie points in the kingdom of heaven. Not well-meaning people with good intentions telling me what to do. Not a list of rules I had to fulfill. You know what I found? Jesus. And the cross He died on covering all of my imperfection, all my falling apart, all of my striving, all of my realness and all of my humanity.
What Matt Chandler is talking about in that video is right where I was a year ago, and where I had been my whole life. Falling apart was the best thing for me. Because I am being built back up into Christ, not in a church mentality that I'm sure no one ever intended to push onto anyone, but has really taken over the Southern culture. This idea that we have to smile and say God is good and never miss church any time the doors are open and never be honest and say "I don't get it. I don't get what God doing here and I am hurting. I am losing faith." So say it- be honest with God. Ya'll, He is big enough to handle it. It's hilarious and absurd we think He can't handle our questions, our hurt, our anger. Be real- stop bein so Southern (the only time you'll EVER hear me say that) and be the fallen faithful.
Check this out- "The tilted halo of the saved sinner is worn loosely and with easy grace. We have discovered that the cross accomplished far more than revealing the love of God. The blood of the Lamb points to the truth of grace: what we cannot do for ourselves, God has done for us.- Brennan Manning in The Ragamuffin Gospel
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