lovin you.

I so often speak of the people in my life, how much they are loved, how deeply I love them. I don't really know why I hold people so close. If I was taught this, or learned it at an early age, but forever, I have just loved people. I know everyone loves their friends and family and yadayadayada but I have this inexpressible, deep, unending love for people. It is the greatest blessing aside from salvation God has given me and also my biggest weakness. It leaves me wide open, and makes it unbelievably easy for people to hurt me. My closest of close friends, sweet and dear people, often gently laugh at how accidentally and unknowingly they hurt me. And so often, those not-so-close to me, and even those close to me don't know how deeply I hurt, how my soul aches, all because of how deeply I love them, how deeply I feel for their hurts and joys.  I am so thankful for this, for it has provided some of life's most wonderful blessings. But it has also provided some of life's deepest wounds. It's a catch-22, a no-win, a win-win, a paradox, it is opposites, and yet it is the best of equals. 

All this said, I love people. My life-long friends, my child-hood friends, my college friends, new friends, random people I have known all of two minutes. I just love them. I have an undying loyalty to my life-long friends, something so sacred and so sweet it can't be expressed.  I am quick to extend love to new friends. Do you see how wide-open this all leaves me?? How easily people can hurt me. Well-intentioned, good souls and horrible-intentioned, needy souls hurt me because of my reckless abandonment in loving people. And yet it is good.  This love hurts so good. I get to grieve because I have loved and found value. I get to be disappointed because I have  loved and have seen the best when it was the worst.

I have talked a great deal about what this love has meant in the grieving process. How I have learned about God's deep and precious love for me.  But aside from the death, there was more. In this past year, I was hurt relentlessly and selfishly by a person in my life. I loved, saw the best, prayed hard, believed against all odds, and showed grace and mercy when the absolute worst was deserved.  I was, at best, a doormat, stepping stone, a pawn to be used to this person.  Not the first time it happened, but one of the worst. And it hurt so bad because I loved  in spite of.  I got no reward. I was used by the person and misunderstood by some of the people I respected most.  I had to close the door and walk away.  I had to let everyone believe what they wanted to and be at peace with myself and my actions before the Lord. I am not perfect, I had by no means done every little action right, but I had tried.  Oh, how I had tried. 

Yea, it was wrong. But I was wrong too. I loved and loved and loved, but maybe I could have and should have been stronger and way, way wiser.  I am not Jesus. I can't be anyone's Savior.  See?  I WASN'T KIDDING WHEN I SAID GREATEST WEAKNESS. It's an incredibly ugly side to a wonderful gift. It is a great want to love and help people. But so often becomes a drive to save people and put myself in situations where no one can win. that's not fair to anyone.

And yet, He is faithful. And He is so merciful in allowing many loyal and gracious friends to stand by me. When I recklessly love and recklessly live, I can look in all directions and see the faithful people He has allowed to walk beside me. In the grieving, the waiting, the hoping, the joys and pains, they are there. Some since forever ago, some new, some in and out. But always, there.

And through all of that, He is always sufficient.

Go forth and LIVE.
xoxo Lyd