Seasons end. That's the great thing. They don't last forever. Winter leaves. It's like that in nature- so is it like that in life too? It's gotta be. This semester, for whatever reason, I have had six people in my life leave this world and go to the other side of eternity. For some, we begged for healing from the sickness that raged inside their bodies. We pleaded with the Healer and Creator to come, to rescue, to heal. And he did- He healed them on the other side of eternity. He is still a Healer. But, He didn't heal them on this earth. And I don't get it. And let's just get very honest here, I am mad. And the other people, sweet, precious people who did good here on this earth and loved their families and their friends and were so much fun- they were taken in an instant. No warning, no sickness, just gone. just tragedy. And it doesn't make sense. And my God, my faithful Redeemer, the one who loves me and holds me through the anger and anguish, He's big enough to deal with my questions. I don't know what to ask, not just yet. Right now, all I can say is "God, I'm angry" and "God, this hurts" And He knows. And He's not leaving. And He still loves me.
For those of you stuck in this place, it's okay. It is. It's okay to grieve. Don't you dare force yourself to fake a smile when good-meaning, but very, very stupid people say "It was just their time" "Look for the good in this" and "They wouldn't want you to feel like this" I want to BACK-HAND every person who says these things. True or not- we are meant to grieve. We grieve because they were good, they were full of life, they were dear to us, and they were loved. And we mourn them because they will be missed.
God's okay with this. And I am too. He is loving hanging out with these six people up in heaven, I bet their having an absolute blast. But I'm gonna miss having a blast with them down here.
My friend Holle showed me these songs- man, are they GOOD! for those of you walking through this too, take a listen- they helped me.
"When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come"
lately i've been thinking. that's a lie. lately, I've been running around like the crazy no-hair britney spears. remember those days? All stages of Brit are funny, but this one was over the top, in a good way. back to me. in between going 90 to nothin' I have had a few passing (and staying) thoughts about who I am. I read a really cool thing today on this hilarious blog called http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/ about how we are all created with an identity. God makes us who we are...and basically, along the way we let sucesses and failures redefine us and we sadly, and sometimes, accidnetally forget the original identity God gave us. This is sad and true. In our twenties, we can be selfish and "redefine ourselves," "rediscover ourselves," :find ourselves," "lose ourselves," and just truly be too concerned about ourselves. but thats ok. be we are twenty-something selfish children with not a care in the world. so, inspired by this, here are some one-liners/ideas/ phrases/keys that I live by and are, well, ME.
4. Every thing could be the next big thing. (so do your best and don't be boring) You got invited at the last minute to a fundraiser dinner, you got a new job you don't know alot about, there is a nice boy at your favorite barbeque place that seems to like you. Go with it people, the worst that could happen is its not the next big thing. The best thing that could happen is you go to the fundraiser dinner, make a connection, become the President of the United States. You take the job that leads to another better opportunity. You say hi to that boy, hit it off, and realize he's the man of your dreams. So put on your best smile, walk in confidence, and always give strong handshakes. no one likes the dead fish.
3. Time slows me down. I have much to much to do to have to focus on a schedule. All of you type A people out there are reading this and popping your high blood pressure medicine while breaking into a cold sweat. Calm down, I just don't do time. The good thing about this is I am very flexible and can fit a ton of activites and responsibilites into a small amount of time. The bad part is our world runs on a schedule. stinkfest, i know. so people like my roommate and my parents and most other people in the world are sometimes (alot of times) annoyed by my lack of caring about time. It's a strength though, I'm playing it as a strength.
2. All people (ALL PEOPLE) are created by God for a purpose. I am a huge believer in this. God doesn't make mistakes. Regardless of race, gender, handicap, addictions, failures, successes, annoyingness, smell, looks- every person is a creation of Jesus and we are called to give them grace.
1. I look at everything as an adventure. (also titled, "unless it's against my convictions, my faith, or my country, I don't say no to anything.) AKA the "I'll try anything once" attitude but better and totally different. Real life examples- Drive to Glaveston? in the middle of the night? duh. book a flight at midnight and fly out at 7 the next morning just for fun? of course I did. teach wakeboarding the same summer I learned it? you betcha. be in robotics club? true, i tried it.
It is important to know what you want in life. Some people desire a heap of money, or much sucess, or excelling in sports or acadamia. All I want is for my life to be one big adventure. It may not always be the most fun, or the most sucessful, or the weathiest- but its the thrill of the adventure. Its stepping out in faith and following the Lord when you dont see where He's taking you.
In the words of my boy Steven Curtis Chapman- "This is a life like no other, this is the GREAT ADVENTURE."
"A little more then I can give,
A little more then i deserve
Unearth this holiness I can't earn
With all this sin that lives in me,
It took a nail to set me free
WITH ALL THIS MOTIVATION I STILL FIND A HESITATION DEEP IN MY SOUL DESPITE ALL MY DEMANDING I STILL FIND YOU UNDERSTANDING SHOW ME GRACE, SHOW ME GRACE I KNOW"
-Jennifer Knapp
For the first time in a long time, I don't want to go to sleep because I feel so much peace. Sometimes I don't want to sleep because I am having too much fun. Or sometimes I want to sleep to get to the next day and next adventure. And alot of times, I want to sleep to get to the peaceful part. That feeling of peace that happens right before we enter the land of z's. But tonight, I just want to sit here and be thankful and happy in this great peace God has given me.
Psalm 119:68"You are good and do good..."
He's good, ya'll. Always. And when I struggle with this, and i question and I hurt and I long to just know the answers and for life to turn out better or differently- He's good then, too. When I long for Jesus, He's good. He's always good and He does good. Life is our sanctification process. That's all it is. That's what my dear friend Jon told me today- and I believe he's right. I'm being sanctified, and in that, God's still good. He is always good.
Howdy, goobers. I always think I am so good at blogging...and then I realize I blog...like, oh once a month. MY BAD. I'm not good at it. My life is much too busy and important to blog about. (this is not true, I am prideful).
My heart's heavy. I don't get cancer. I don't understand death. And I'm clinging with white knuckles to the fact that God knows more then I do. If you are a praying person, please lift up Mr. E to the Lord for a miraculous healing and for his family to have so much comfort from the Lord during this time.
Today, I am thankful for these sweet friendships I have. In moments when all I can do is sit and hurt, I realize how precious our Father is for allowing people to love each other and carry each other's burdens. I am also thankful for some good ol' DP today.
I had the amazing privilege to hang out with 16 11th graders this weekend who love Jesus and love each other. God did some major work in my heart.
Love you guys!!
My heavy heart is thankful. It's hurting, but it is grateful. Thank you Jesus for redemption.
"The gospel is absurd and the life of Jesus is meaningless unless we believe that He lived, died, and rose again with but one purpose in mind: to make brand-new creation. Not to make people with better morals but to create a community of prophets and professional lovers, men and women who would surrender to the mystery of the fire of the Spirit that burns within, who would live in ever greater fidelity to the omnipresent Word of God, who would enter into the center of it all, the very heart and mystery of Christ, into the center of the flame that consumes, purifies, and sets everything aglow with peace, joy, boldness, and extravagant, furious love. This, my friend, is what it really means to be a Christian." -Brennan Manning
Well hello my faithful readers. Mother, how ya been? Shout out to you- thanks for raising me. I owe ya. I would shout out to my Dad too, but there's no way he reads these silly ramblings.
As of late...
*Snow week of 2011 was wonderful... And when I say wonderful I mean I stayed up every night till morning, played in the snow, watched boy movies and laughed, cooked bacon -shout out to Kaaaa-lynnn- used a boogie board from Galveston(oh how i love Galveee) and a wakeboard from a boy's townhome to slide face-first on the ice/concrete to my sure death. But alas, God's hand of protection on my life is bigger then my stupidity.
Just a few pictures from the snow week we had off of school. schools for fools.
*God is good, people are funny. I have seen over and over how faithful my Savior is when I am so dumb, selfish, and prideful. I know what you are thinking, "Lydia? prideful? never." (sarcasm, ya'll..i know everyone is totally saying- its taken you 20 years to realize you have a pride problem?) And again I say thank you for staying, for being a faithful friend when I am often a total air-head.
This is a precious picture of life-long friend Ana and me as very adorable children with our saintly mothers.
As you may have guessed, Ana and I were angels. Children sent straight from heaven.And that's were the Timex watch issue started. I blame whoever gave me that black and pink beauty.
*Words are maybe more powerful then snake venom. (Sorry, Jon #thinkhappythoughts) Yes, I did just hash tag in my blog. Sue me. It's this thing Jon and I do. Get over it. In all seriousness (and this is about the time everyone stops reading...so I promise to keep my "serious" funny.) I have seen as of late how serious and powerful the words that come out of our mouths are. My readers include friends and family who have unfortunately known me my whole life- sorry guys, I know I've had some rough years. Middle school was not good to me. Nor was the bowl haircut my mom gave me when I was three, but I'm working on forgiveness. And for most of my childhood I was an out-of-control, ADHD driven, annoying-as-it-gets, bouncing off the walls little gal of a thing. My other readers are newer friends (count yourself lucky you averted the aforementioned flail fest), and some of you who typed in "coolest blog. ever." into Google and arrived here. Welcome. Now that we've all been introduced, when I use the term "reader"/"readers"/"you guys"/"ya'll" I am referring to you!! I'm fixing to do it----get ready. Most of you as my readers are saying, "Lydia is the LAST person who should EVER talk about how important and powerful words are." And you'd be right. I was born into a family full of yes, lots of love, but also a lot of sarcasm, wit, and really funny comments. Naturally, I followed suit. I have an off-hand comment for everyone and everything. And sometimes it hurts people.
It's never my intention, but I will say it- sometimes I inadvertently hurt people with comments I think will be so funny. And it's never worth it. NEVER.
The Lord has really been whispering to my heart about how much weight our words hold. I have recently seen how words can just wreck shop (yes, I am a hillbilly) on hearts and souls and friendships.
They can literally ruin lives. We never plan to gossip about others (if you do, you need to spend some serious time on your knees before a God that loves you. It's ok, you'll be surrounded by many others who are working on other major issues before Him. We're all right there with ya.) but we do end up in a conversation filled with hear-say and gossip about individuals that aren't there to defend themselves. And it's not fair.
Even if the information is true, how bout we man-up and go to the person and say "hey, I heard you hate the color purple, I think that maybe as a believer you should work on this"or"hey, I heard you really like the blue Gatorade. So much so you feel like you can't have a good time without bringing this delicious sports drink along. Maybe we can talk about this" But noooooo, instead we are content to hide behind walls and doors and even people and talk about them. That doesn't help anything. In the whole history of mankind, it never has. So I'm guessing it probably never will. Just a guess.
I'm right there with you, my mouth is full of wickedness. But there's a God that loves me that has been working in my heart and saying "yo girl, you need to work on your mouth.. and while you're at it, let's work on your heart too. Cause there is some major junk in there" God probably doesn't say "yo girl" but maybe He does. So let's put some effort in this one. Cause all this hurt that's going down, it's our fault. It is. It's our bad.
"At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
'Woe to me!' I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.'
Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, 'See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.'" Isaiah 6:4-7
"This is me, on my knees singing 'take it all from me, take it all from me.'"
"...But I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
While the world shook its head in shame
I let you take the blame...
Well I know it must be
Time to get down on my knees and pray
'Lord, undo me!'
Put away my flesh and bone
'Til You own this spirit through me Lord" -Jennifer Knapp
In this song, over and over it says You are always good. You are always good. You are always good. Ya'll, this is a hard truth to swallow. This is just down right tough. This truth is almost near impossible to cling to if we wanna get honest about it. And I don't have the magical formula that makes this easy to believe. But in the midst of famine and death and sickness and whatever is happening your personal world God is GOOD.
When I can't swallow this truth, when I don't understand why, when I am empty and worn out and can't feel this truth, I talk people like my dear pal Liz. Fondly known as "Boomer," this girl is cool. She lives in Ohio, which is unfortunate for the rest of us who do not live there for sure. I am amazed by how the Lord has blessed me with such a wonderful and understanding and compassionate friend. She knows me for me, she puts up with me yelling at her to "turn the lights off....Liz...Liz...turn the...Liz," she sacrificially loves and listens, and not just with me but with everyone in her life. She is my go-to for so many situations, for so many questions, for so many life moments. And she graciously accepts this role and points me constantly back to Christ while at the same time somehow making me laugh and see the funny side of everything. so shout out to Liz- I am blessed to have you walk so closely in my life.
I am also extremely thankful for my best friend Jennifer, who I affectionately refer to as "Chunk." If I say it nicely, it makes it ok, right? This girl somehow always can make people cheer up. She is goofy, she is hilarious, and she has a HUGE heart. She loves her friends and family more then most people I know. And she loves them well. She is selfless, always genuine, and always hilarious. I have the amazing privilege of not only calling her my best friend, but also getting to live with her! That's right, roommates! I have learned so much from her about how to live a joyful life, to walk in contentment, and to be happy. She sees the best in people, she sees the best in the world, and she loves lavishly. She's an incredible roommate, amazing best friend, and my personal cheerleader.
And a final shout out goes out to my dear friend Katee who I call "bossladaaay," "Kateelady," and most commonly, "Seester." She is my daily lunch date, lets me have friends over to her cool house, and invites me to dinner parties. She listens to my stories, or pretends to listen, I can never be too sure, and gives great, too-the-point, no-fluff advice. She also hosts a great solar/lunar-eclipse party. She is loving, funny, blunt, and always ready for an adventure. We always agree that God would've made us real sisters were that not too much perfection for one family to have! She also has a heart the size of this world and loves to help people. Along with this, she is very hospitable and welcoming to the people God places in her path! I love my seeeester/bossssladay!
These are the amazing people that the Lord has allowed to walk closely with me for varied amounts of time, but specifically, this year. They have been there in the good and bad and I have been blessed by them.
So when its hard to cling to the fact that God is always good, the Lord graciously allows people like this to walk with me, sit with me, hold my hand, laugh with me, pray with me, bring me before the throne of grace.
